This'll be the four year mark of Jasper' s passing. I took today off, and tomorrow as well. Work is way more dysfunctional than even I could ever have imagined, and maybe the antipathy exists just to take my mind off the emptiness. Nothing like psychopathic co-workers all up in your face to put things in perspective. Last night took the cake. There's always ONE GUY who just doesn't like your stuff, except at Qwest my whole GROUP is that one guy. Well, not completely fair but close. Hatred takes a LOT of energy, and breeds its own critical mass. Eh, I'll leave that for another post. It would take an Updike to effectively deconstruct our little group's sheer chaos. Think equal parts Lord of the Flies meets Animal Farm, throw in a bit of Michael Douglas's "Falling Down" and a picture emerges. This is my work life at this time. I have a VERY thick skin, but I do bleed.
The last four years I really haven't give too much a damn about anything. There's been a few bright spots, sure. My own ennui, which blinds me to the obvious, has derailed me a few times. Wild optimism, and I am a CHRONIC optimist, doesn't always save the day either. Its been a challenge to reel in my inner cynic. I've had a few good guides along the way, and know just how corrosive cynicism can be, how quickly it eats away the foundation of personality, so I don't DO it. As a habit anyway.
I can't say what tomorrow will bring, but the kicker is I feel HOPE, and I haven't felt that for four years now. Hope drags along with it a whole raft of other characters, and I guess that's the biggest news today, April 13th, mere hours away from my little Shoah, when the world I knew went up and away. Its easy to wax philosophic about how it all ends up, but the knife that sinks its hilt into your son changes all that. My dark angel lurks way too close, and I, master of putting my box of hurt up and to the left, just beyond my vision, know its all too easy to get sucked into the pain vortex.
Best I got this 11th hour. Tomorrow, the word goes out: its PET DAY! We all go out, find an animal, and ambush it with happiness. In my son Jasper's name. Woof!